This is part 2 of my reflections on what I believe. As explained in part 1 (found here), I wrote a blog post almost two years ago titled “What do I believe?” I plan to look at that original post after I’ve finished this series. I have no idea how many posts I’ll write this round. My first post focused on my struggles with a bodily resurrection. For this post, I want to focus on a different topic: the Holy Spirit.
“Have you prayed and asked the Holy Spirit for guidance?” A friend asked me this question early in my Bible study when I talked about my frustrations with the Psalms. A few days later another friend said something similar and I asked him what he meant when he said the Holy Spirit. I don’t remember much about our conversation except that he said the Holy Spirit can provide guidance. He talked about how it’s a feeling he has when he feels close to God. So…I prayed and asked for guidance. Guess what…I’m still not a fan of the Psalms.
About a year later, I was very busy with the search process to replace the rector of my church, The Episcopal Church of the Holy Comforter. Holy Comforter is a very important part of my life. It is the first church where I have always felt welcomed. This does NOT mean that people at other churches explicitly made me feel unwelcome, I just haven’t felt this at home in a church since I was in the Episcopal Campus Ministry at NC State University (from 1997-2000).
The search process to replace our rector was emotionally challenging in a good way. It pushed me to reflect on what matters to me when it comes to spirituality. Several times throughout the roughly 9 month process I experienced an overwhelming range of emotions. I want to focus on one instance in particular. After interviewing our four finalists, which included multi-day onsite interviews, the search committee had to meet to reflect on the process and share our thoughts. I was on vacation with my family at the beach, so I had to connect with the committee electronically.
This meeting was incredible. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced emotions like those I experienced that night. At least not all at the same time. I felt an overwhelming sense of excitement, enthusiasm, vulnerability, hope, and happiness. It was incredible. I muted my phone and turned off my computer camera because I felt the urge to cry. I didn’t breakdown, but I let the tears flow. I was so close to our previous rector and had such a connection to Holy Comforter that I knew in that moment, we were going to be ok. Better than ok. I guess another way to describe it was that in that moment, I felt safe.
Was that experience the Holy Spirit? Was that the Holy Spirit reaching out to me, letting me know it was going to be ok? I’m not sure. I’m not sure I’m at the point in my spiritual journey where I can freely admit that. Here’s one thing I can say at this moment. My experiences at Holy Comforter, especially during the search process, have had such a profound impact on my life. When I walk through those doors, or even when I talk with members of my church family, I feel vulnerable, but safe. I feel protected. I feel like I can be myself. I can share my doubts, ask questions, and know I’m in a safe space. If that’s not the Holy Spirit, then I don’t know what is.
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